January 2016

Now what?

Now what?

That is the question I get asked the most lately. “So you’re finished chemo… now what are your plans?”
Well next I plan to win the lottery, adopt a unicorn, cure cancer, and live happily ever after.
I mean, I don’t know. I don’t make plans. I don’t even know what I’m eating for dinner tonight.
I don’t have plans. But I do have goals.

2016 Goals:

1. Get fantastic new boobies. Now this goes without saying. The ones I have now aren’t cutting it. They’re like the Gary Busey’s of the boob world; they went through some rough shit and they sorta look like they belong in a circus. Right now I have tissue expanders. They feel like you’re touching stale bagels or Tupperware (so sexy). They’re temporary though, because soon I’ll have those removed and replaced with normal silicone squishy boobs. When I say silicone, some people get nervous, but the silicone boobs they make now are nothing like the leaky ones you hear about on the Real Housewives shows. They are not “filled” with liquid, they’re one cohesive piece… kind of like a gummy bear. So the ETA for these fantastic boobies is still TBD but I’ll find out soon. Hopefully surgery will be within the next month. YASS! (I’m excited for surgery, who am I!?)

2. Grow some hair so I don’t look like Vin Diesel anymore. I’m taking hair, skin and nails supplements and using two different eyelash serums on my eyes. Please grow. PLEASE. (Peter Thomas Roth Lashes To Die For Turbo and Dior Lash Plumping Serum)

3. Make my dog and cat become friends. Why do they have to be such assholes to each other? UGH.

4. Get a new job. This is no secret. I work from home, which has been lovely during my illness, but it’s not what I always planned on doing. I had planned on getting a new job about a year ago, but then I got cancer and that halted things. My job is wonderful and they have been amazing to me, but I know that working remotely isn’t ideal for either of us. I need co-workers who don’t have four paws and pee on my laundry. Is that too much to ask for?

5. Become super fit and healthy. Become superwoman! I see all these people on Instagram who have 42 abs and butt cheeks that could crush walnuts. If I ever get that strong, I’ll totally post a video of myself crushing walnuts with my super woman muscle butt. Is that something people even want to see? OK maybe not. Scratch the video. I’m sorry I gave you that visual. Anyways, I’m going to eat healthier, workout more… and get back into yoga! I haven’t done yoga since having cancer because I can’t lay on my stomach (bagel boobs), and doing certain stretches hurts my chest.

6. Do more adulting. As much as I would love for my life to be all about drinking cocktails, late nights at bars, and brunching off hangovers; it’s not sustainable in my 30’s. And it’s not very fulfilling. Whatever adults do on weekends, that’s what I should be doing. If anybody has any idea what that is, please email me K thanks.

7. I’m going to stop at 6 things because this is getting exhausting thinking of all these self improvements. Six is totally enough for right now. These aren’t my “New Years’ resolutions” either because those things never last past February. These are my new LIFE resolutions. Because of cancer, I am fortunate that I’ve had the chance to reevaluate a lot of things in my life. I can’t take things for granted anymore. So Namaste bitches, go write out your goals for 2016. I hope yours don’t include growing hair 🙂

It could never happen to me.

Everybody thinks that it will never happen to them.

Cancer is a shady bitch like that. Imagine you’re just jogging (or walking) along your usual proverbial path… it’s such a routine that you could probably do it blindfolded. Except this time you slam into an elephant. “Wait, how the HELL did I not see that elephant?! Elephants aren’t even native to this country, why the fuck is it here?! Hello did somebody lose their …um… pet elephant?” You had your head down and you were flying down the path like a loose puppy with your ears flapping in the wind. You never expected to run into an elephant because, seriously, that only happens on an African safari or something right?

That’s exactly how cancer is. You didn’t see it coming, you weren’t looking for it, and you NEVER thought it could happen to you. It happens to other people maybe, but not you. You’re heathy and you’re heading down your path full speed into life’s bliss. Just heed my warning betches and don’t be naïve and dumb like I was.

Over two years ago I started following a girl on Instagram who was 24 and had breast cancer. I remember once I found her I was paralyzed on the couch, stalking her pictures for about an hour saying “what the fucccckkkkk” about a hundred times under my breath. As I scanned over images of her bald head and scarred body I remember exactly how I felt; terrified, horrified, amazed, despondent. How could somebody so young have breast cancer? In my lifetime, the few people that I knew who had cancer were older; in their 50’s and beyond. I couldn’t imagine being a young girl and having to put your life on hold to FIGHT for your life. I was even terrified to have my blood drawn (I used to pass out) so I couldn’t comprehend going through chemo and multiple surgeries. I was completely heartbroken going through her pictures. But as I continued to follow her story I realized that she was not sad or miserable, she was optimistic, happy, grateful. Amazing! How could somebody who has been dealt a shitty hand of cards in life be so content and cheerful?
Keep reading…

I know that God was looking out for me back then. Somehow in the divine tapestry of the universe I found her Instagram account and was given a foreshadowing into my own future. Of course, I had no idea back then, but now I am certain of this. When I was diagnosed, I remembered her and it helped me to know that I wasn’t alone, and that I needed to be optimistic and unafraid. At the same time I discovered her Instagram, I had the small lump in my right boob. Even after seeing the 24 year old girl with breast cancer, I was still disavowed with the notion that I might have cancer also. I used any excuse available. “Well my doctor said it looks like a fibroid, and so I trust the expert’s opinion.” I didn’t trust the gut feeling that was nagging at me. Also at that time, my mind was clouded as I was divorcing my ex-husband so I didn’t even have a spare brain cell left to consider the possibility of cancer. I was just certain that those things don’t happen. Nobody gets dealt a hand that includes an unfaithful, narcissistic husband AND breast cancer at 28. That shit DOES NOT happen… right?

Well, whatever boo-hoo it happened. I tripped over the elephant because I didn’t believe that elephants existed. I ignored the signs. I didn’t listen to my body or my intuition. My point is: don’t let that happen to you, safeguard your life. You can still run full speed ahead, like I am doing, just keep your head up and pay attention to the signs along the way. If you have family members who have cancer, you especially can’t think that it couldn’t happen to you. My father’s side of the family carries the ATM genetic mutation, which we only recently found out in light of my cancer diagnosis. I’ve encouraged them all to get tested for this mutation. If you carried a cancer gene wouldn’t you want to know so you could prepare and defend yourself from this horrible disease? I wish I had known before it was too late, because now I’ve lost my boobs and my hair. So please don’t be naïve and think it can’t happen to you, cancer can happen to anybody. Please visit your doctor regularly and speak up about any pains and issue, no matter how small. And please for the love of God get a mammogram if you’re over 40 and a biopsy on any breast lumps no matter how old you are. Either way, when you get those results you’ll either be relieved that you’re in the clear or relieved that you’ve caught the cancer before it can do any damage.

Also, the Instagram profile was @NalieAgustin if you’d like to follow her!