That is the question I get asked the most lately. “So you’re finished chemo… now what are your plans?”
Well next I plan to win the lottery, adopt a unicorn, cure cancer, and live happily ever after.
I mean, I don’t know. I don’t make plans. I don’t even know what I’m eating for dinner tonight.
I don’t have plans. But I do have goals.
1. Get fantastic new boobies. Now this goes without saying. The ones I have now aren’t cutting it. They’re like the Gary Busey’s of the boob world; they went through some rough shit and they sorta look like they belong in a circus. Right now I have tissue expanders. They feel like you’re touching stale bagels or Tupperware (so sexy). They’re temporary though, because soon I’ll have those removed and replaced with normal silicone squishy boobs. When I say silicone, some people get nervous, but the silicone boobs they make now are nothing like the leaky ones you hear about on the Real Housewives shows. They are not “filled” with liquid, they’re one cohesive piece… kind of like a gummy bear. So the ETA for these fantastic boobies is still TBD but I’ll find out soon. Hopefully surgery will be within the next month. YASS! (I’m excited for surgery, who am I!?)
2. Grow some hair so I don’t look like Vin Diesel anymore. I’m taking hair, skin and nails supplements and using two different eyelash serums on my eyes. Please grow. PLEASE. (Peter Thomas Roth Lashes To Die For Turbo and Dior Lash Plumping Serum)
3. Make my dog and cat become friends. Why do they have to be such assholes to each other? UGH.
4. Get a new job. This is no secret. I work from home, which has been lovely during my illness, but it’s not what I always planned on doing. I had planned on getting a new job about a year ago, but then I got cancer and that halted things. My job is wonderful and they have been amazing to me, but I know that working remotely isn’t ideal for either of us. I need co-workers who don’t have four paws and pee on my laundry. Is that too much to ask for?
5. Become super fit and healthy. Become superwoman! I see all these people on Instagram who have 42 abs and butt cheeks that could crush walnuts. If I ever get that strong, I’ll totally post a video of myself crushing walnuts with my super woman muscle butt. Is that something people even want to see? OK maybe not. Scratch the video. I’m sorry I gave you that visual. Anyways, I’m going to eat healthier, workout more… and get back into yoga! I haven’t done yoga since having cancer because I can’t lay on my stomach (bagel boobs), and doing certain stretches hurts my chest.
6. Do more adulting. As much as I would love for my life to be all about drinking cocktails, late nights at bars, and brunching off hangovers; it’s not sustainable in my 30’s. And it’s not very fulfilling. Whatever adults do on weekends, that’s what I should be doing. If anybody has any idea what that is, please email me firstname.lastname@example.org. K thanks.
7. I’m going to stop at 6 things because this is getting exhausting thinking of all these self improvements. Six is totally enough for right now. These aren’t my “New Years’ resolutions” either because those things never last past February. These are my new LIFE resolutions. Because of cancer, I am fortunate that I’ve had the chance to reevaluate a lot of things in my life. I can’t take things for granted anymore. So Namaste bitches, go write out your goals for 2016. I hope yours don’t include growing hair 🙂