August 2016

Do Not Disturb


Most people don’t even KNOW that I had a mastectomy. While walking through a beach bar last weekend, there were plenty of mouth-breathing, sweaty, men who were checking out my fakies. One man in particular, who smelled like bud-light lime (vom) and failure, even gave me the old “heyyyyy yurrrr pretty whatsss yurrrrr nameeee” (he didn’t even look at my face) to which I gracefully replied by not speaking and instead tipped my floppy sun hat down and pointed out that it said “Do Not Disturb” … and kept walking. Boy bye.

But on the inside I was actually dancing and doing jazz hands in the air at the realization that I LOOK OK. I look better than OK? Fake boobs for the win!

Newsflash: most men don’t care if they’re fake… most don’t really care if you have nipples either. And if you don’t have boobs, I don’t think men are going to be too upset about that either. Because you have a vajay-jay so the rest is just an added bonus.

I’m still struggling with my scar from the mastectomy, but in a bathing suit or bra you can’t see it. I use BioCorneum silicon scar cream and frankincense oil on my scars and it’s been working pretty well! BioCorneum

I asked my plastic surgeon if I could get scar therapy/laser therapy on it and he said I should wait at least one year from now until doing that. He said in a year I probably won’t even need or want it, and that it will be expensive anyways so it may not be worth the price.

So if you’re reading this and you were recently diagnosed and you’re freaking out about having a mastectomy. Don’t be! Don’t let your boobs define you. Use this as an opportunity to get an upgrade if you want! Say FUCK YOU to cancer by coming out of this looking BETTER than you did before and blossoming into a god damn SUPERWOMAN who beat cancer and has a new pair of boobs to show for it!

Nipples! Allergic reactions! Strippers!

Are nipples overrated?

We live in a society where everyone wants what they can’t have. After my double mastectomy, I didn’t have nipples so I found myself wanting them back. Honestly, I didn’t mind the way my boobs looked without them… Barbie doesn’t have nipples. Either do manikins. But I just wasn’t totally satisfied with the way I looked in the mirror. I’m 31 and I have a long life to live with these counterfeit boobs; so, I figured I might as well make them look as real as possible. If you can’t get your hands on a real Birkin you would at least want a really good fake, right?

I tried to find statistics on the percentage of patients who get nipple reconstruction after a mastectomy… but I couldn’t find a single thing. I Googled the shit out of it, and all I really learned is that less than 50% of patients who get a mastectomy go through with reconstruction. Which is a shockingly low number! Reasons listed for not getting breast reconstruction include fear of implants and complications, high costs, and older age. Women who are older are more likely to just say fuck-it and not get any reconstruction. (More power to ya girl! YOU DO YOU!) So I imagine that of the 50% who DO get new boobs, a lot less will go through with nipple reconstruction.

Also, 3-D tattooing is a really popular choice these days, and does not involve any surgery. It can be done by a doctor or a tattoo artist. The nipple is tattooed over the flat skin but shaded to look three dimensional. What I got (nipple reconstruction) is different, because it’s recreating an actual dimensional nipple and THEN I can get the tattooing of just the areola around the nipple.

So, I had surgery a few weeks ago to do nipple reconstruction, remove my port scar, and remove moles. I’ve been really slacking on this blog. It’s taken me a while to sit down and write. (Also, keep reading, post-surgery pictures to come below….)

Side note – I’m actually sitting in an airport right now because I MISSED MY FLIGHT to my BFF Samantha’s bachelorette party in Charleston, South Carolina. I, Susan Sheffield Miller, showed up this morning to the wrong fucking airport. Because I’m just awesome like that. And I also blame chemo for frying my brain cells. But seriously, I’m in Maryland and there are three airports all within an hour vicinity of each other so it was bound to happen??? Ugh. FML.

So yeah, I’ve got a few hours to kill before I catch the next flight down there.

Good news is that Sam was neither mad nor surprised… Probably because one time in college, after Sam’s father passed away, I showed up to the wrong funeral. Natalie (other BFF) and I somberly walked up to the casket and realized there was as unfamiliar looking dead elderly person in there.  We exchanged hysterical glances as we stuck our heads down and hauled ass out of there. Super awkward.

Back to surgery.

At some point this weekend I have to be in a bathing suit, which is terrifying because I had every mole on my stomach and chest removed two and a half weeks ago. So I look like I have chicken pox or leprosy. Oh and I also had an allergic reaction to bacitracin which is the main ingredient in Neosporin. (NEAT-O)

My surgeon went a little aggressive removing all my moles. But I get it. I mean, I already had cancer… so he wanted to remove all those moles which could also potentially be skin cancer. And I just happened to have a shit ton of them. I didn’t bother counting them, but I’d say it’s probably around 20 that were removed.

During surgery they slathered those spots with bacitracin, and SURPRISE, I’m allergic to it suddenly with no warning or previous episodes. I’ll add that to the list of stuff I’m allergic to:

Bacitracin / Neosporin

Keflex (antibiotic)

Most Neutrogena face wash

Most of the human race

Sweat pants


Axe body spray (vom)

Crocs shoes (just, why?)

My entire stomach and chest broke out in itchy hives. It was literally absolutely brutal. I was taking so much Benadryl that I’m probably allergic to Benadryl now. My doctor finally put me on a steroid pack and it cleared up in about a week.. then came back for a few days… so I chugged a couple more bottles of liquid Benny… then it finally went away again. Sickness and disasters seem to follow me like toilet paper stuck to a flip flop!

I’m back to my fantastic self again though, and I’ve got fake hard nipples to prove it! It’s actually been quite an interesting few weeks because I have permanent hard nips… and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. And yes … you bet your ass that men stare at them and it’s annoying as FUCK. I can’t wear a bra for at least another week per my doctor’s instructions, so I have to do my best to hide them under clothing. But men still somehow notice. They can spot them from a mile away with one eye open.

Just walking through the airport gave me a new found aggravation for the grotesque mind of the male specimen. Put your eyeballs back in your skulls dudes. If only they knew what my boobs REALLY looked like under the shirt.

Sorry that was a while ago I wrote that. (God I suck at posting things.) Well, I then commenced a 4-day drinking binge in Charleston, South Carolina with my friends for Sam’s bach party. Which was amazing and hysterical all at once. Maybe one day I’ll write about all the things we saw that I can not unsee. Like meth-faced strippers. Oh God never again.


I am starting to sell the Hair/Skin/Nail vitamins that I used to get my hair growing back fast. They’re from a brand called itWorks. Weird name for a company, but I guess they named it that because everything they sell REALLY DOES WORK. Kinda cheesy though. But I have a website if you wanna buy stuff. I promise not to bombard you with messages to buy! Don’t unfriend me! I just had a lot of people ask WHERE TO BUY those vitamins I took, so I figured I could be a distributor and earn some side money for all those lap dances at the strip clubs!



(there’s no strip clubs in Fort Lauderdale anyways)

Ok and now for the NIP PICS!

Click to expand the NSFW NIP PICS…

The first picture (top left) is about 24 hours after surgery… pretty gross. and THEN it gets more gross because the next picture is when I had the full-blown allergic reaction. Then the next few pictures show it healing and then what my nips look like today!