Eyelash extensions can go to Hell

It’s a love-hate relationship. Like, right now, I hate them. I got eyelash extensions the first week in April, when my eyelashes were presumably long enough to have extensions. The salon I went to was overjoyed to have me, and my $210. YES, that’s right: $175 plus I gave a $35 tip. Plus… I went back twice to get them “filled” for $80 each time. Round of applause for me. Again, I’ve found something stupid that I’ve wasted my money on. If you haven’t noticed, I am suffering from extreme buyers remorse at all the things I could have spent my money on instead of dead eyelashes.

I am going to refrain from listing the salon’s name, because truthfully I don’t think it was THEIR fault. I don’t think that the lash technician had actually ever put eyelash extensions on a chemo patient, so I don’t think they knew what to expect. I think that they just hoped for the best and swiped that credit card faster than a vegan at Whole Foods.

The first time was great, she placed small, thin individual lashes on my lashes. It basically just made them longer, which is what I wanted! Four weeks later, I had them filled and there was a new lady… she put on larger cluster lashes because she wanted to give me a “cat eye” look. I didn’t ask for this cat-eye look, but when she said “all finished!” in her upbeat Ukrainian accent and popped a mirror infront of my face, I couldn’t help but be impressed. Hot damn, momma’s lashes looked good!

Those lasted about a week before they started rapidly falling out and taking out my real lashes with them. Soon, I had large gaps and awkward chunks missing in my lash line. Hot damn, momma looks like a HOT MESS.

I went back in to get them filled by the same girl who originally did my lashes. She explained that the reason they were all falling out is because eyelash extensions are basically “like putting a really heavy backpack on a really small kid… the weight is too much for him to carry and he can’t grow if he’s carrying so much weight.”

**Sighhhhh**

Well since I was already there, I figured I’d try it one more time. So she tried to help me out. She put on really small, thin lashes very sparingly and tried to just make them look normal again. I barely lasted three days before over half of them had fallen back out. My lashes had clearly had enough. They were exhausted from carrying these heavy fake spears of vanity and gave up on life.

**Moment of silence for all of my fallen lashes**

By day 6, the extensions were all gone. Every. Single. Lash…. was now somewhere in my Dyson vacuum laying solemnly in a grave of gray dust and pet hair.

The point of my sad sob story isn’t to make you feel sorry for me and my stupid fleeting eyelashes_before_afterattempts at vanity. I actually just wanted to send out a warning signal out there into the cancer community to anybody considering doing this as well. I really didn’t know this could happen. I thought I did enough research prior to my decision to get the extensions… but I didn’t look hard enough or talk to enough people. So heed my warning betches considering the pros and cons of these fluttery felons!

Yesterday, I told my plastic surgeon about my sad eyelash story. Without sympathy or regard, he told me to take Latisse like he had prior advised. OK I get it, nobody feels sorry for me. I impatiently sabotaged my normal, healthy growing eyelashes with these fake lash-slaying harpoons on my lids. Whatevsssss. LIVE and LEARN people. Live and learn.

My next plan of action is that I am trying castor oil on my lashes… which has been advised by numerous other cancer patients… and I’m going to suck it up and buy the Latisse. Which actually costs less than the extensions. For those wondering… castor oil is not motor oil! It’s from some sort of bean… a …castor bean? I assume. Yes. I Googled and it’s a bean. Also, my Google search revealed that these beans are also commonly used by children in Brazil as slingshots. Soooo there’s that.

If anybody has any other things you advise, please let me know! I am open to LITERALLY ANYTHING. I am even rubbing slingshot bean oil on my eyes for fuck’s sake!

I just wanted to end this post on a side note about hair. I’m really missing my long hair lately. Many of you who know me, know that I also like to “twirl” my hair while I’m working or thinking. Can’t do that now, and it’s driving me bananas So if you’re having a bad hair day, or think you hate your long hair and want to “pull a Britney Spears” and shave it all … Kindly shut the fuck up and go rub some oil in your eyes. HA! Ok ciao betches.

2 Months Post Chemo

So it’s been almost 2 months since my last chemo and I’ve had a few interesting developments to share. Weird body changes happening here guys. I think menopause and puberty joined forces and formed an evil axis of power set to self destruct my sanity.

First of all, all of my eyelashes and 90% of my eyebrows fell out. WTF! That completely blindsided me. I was extremely excited that my sparse lashes and brows would start growing back but instead, they started falling out despite my liberal application of expensive eyelash serums. (Sigh… what a waste of money too.) I even bought a Groupon to get eyelash extensions! (which expires in March, again WTF/FML)

On the bright side, I am now slowly mastering the art of drawing on eyebrows and applying those defiant fake eyelashes. For any men reading this, applying fake eyelashes is the worst. It’s tedious. It takes multiple tries. We will probably cry at some point, and yes you can literally poke your eye out or glue our eye lids closed. I’ve done both. Men, the next time you consider going out on a date with a wrinkled shirt because you’re too lazy to iron it, please think about the horrors of fake eyelashes and remember that this is the kind of shit girls go through to get ready. Now go iron your damn shirt.

Some parts of my body are losing hair, and others are regrowing hair. Like, the top of my head is not really growing hair yet, but my legs are (cute). The new hair growing on my body has also created a super-neat phenomenon called Kertosis Pilaris. This is a skin condition caused by a buildup of keratin in the hair follicles which result in tiny red bumps all over your skin. It looks like a rash or rosacea and it’s all over my legs and arms. Just regular lotion is supposed to help, but I haven’t noticed any difference yet.

I know, I’m painting a very attractive picture of myself: hairless, sweaty-from-hot-flashes, rash-covered-alligator-skin, hairy legs. Hot.

Oh yeah, and can’t forget about nails. I had a pedicure last weekend and the nail technician said he thinks my big toe nails are about to fall off. So I’ve got that going for me.

Lastly, I have one small good side effect post-chemo! Since I started taking Tamoxifen last month, I’ve had a decreased appetite. Nothing drastic, but I don’t have the urge to stuff pizza in my face all day. So I think that’s a win. So far, the only downside to Tamoxifen is that it gives me crazy hot and cold flashes.

Oh God, I’m essentially describing myself as a hideous, disgusting monster. I’m not self-hating on myself; I’m not really that bad. And I do maintain my dignity: I never go outside of the house without at least doing my eyebrows and throwing on a wig. I don’t wear fake eyelashes every day, and somehow I still manage to pass as a somewhat attractive member of the female race. (I think my new cleavage helps considerably.)

Although I’m having some annoying post-chemo side effects, I’m incredibly grateful that they are POST-CHEMO side effects. So can I really complain? Hells to the no. It feels so free and refreshing to be finished, that nothing can dim this minty-fresh-outta-chemo-plus-I-got-new-boobs feeling. I am cancer free and I’ll take that any day over a full set of real eyelashes. 🙂 Ciao betches!