Triumph over the UNIBOOB

Hayyyyy betch. First, check out my Etsy shop. (Is this how I sell stuff? Am I adulting now?)

Second, I got some life updates.

I had to cancel my next surgery today. It was supposed to be May 12…the final step of reconstruction. I also didn’t blog about the fact that I spent a week in the hospital in April due to a boob infection. WHO gets a boob infection… when you don’t even have real boobs??!! This lucky girl. It started with a really painful feeling in my chest and ribs. I woke up on a Monday and it felt like I had cracked my right ribs. OK cool. I was trying to recall the weekend and if I did anything that could cause this. Did I get drunk and wrestle the Hulk? Hmm no… so I assumed I had just slept wrong and… crushed my ribs in the process? Is that a thing? I don’t know.

Then fast forward to later that afternoon. I suddenly got violent chills and I literally couldn’t stop shaking. I called Jeff and told him to take me the emergency room. UGHHHHH! I am SOOOOO not looking forward to this. I knew something was wrong. Luckily for me, I still get to play the “cancer card” when I go to the hospital… so I was rushed to my own private room immediately without waiting. VIP yo!

When the on-call doctor saw me, he said I had a breast infection in the right side. I also had a 103.7 fever and was shaking and sweating like a hooker at church. After blood work and a sonogram confirmed my infection, I was stashed away upstairs in the cancer ward for the night. The next morning, a parade of doctors came to see me; my oncologist, my oncologist’s assistant, my plastic surgeon, my breast surgeon, and an infectious disease doctor. I still had a fever of 103, which didn’t go down until Tuesday night. All of the doctors told me the same general thing: if your infection doesn’t improve or go away in the next 48 hours, we will have to schedule you for emergency surgery to remove the implant.

OH COOL, so you’re telling me that I may have ONE FUCKING BOOB? I couldn’t stop crying. Imagining myself being uni-boobed. The Lone Boob. Boob Solo. Me, Myself and My One Boob.

So, fast forward through the next 5 days of boredom and agony I spent in the hospital. Some of you may have seen my Snapchats (Susansheffield – add me!) expressing my extreme disdain for hospital food and the lack of Bravo tv. I received antibiotics, fluids, and magnesium, (I have no idea why I got magnesium) intravenously during my amazing vacation at the hospital. I also got some morphine, which was kinda cool, but it was short-lived because it gave me a throbbing headache once it wore off (I requested Percocet instead). Yes, I was in a lot of pain. My right boob was swollen, red, and angry. Heyyy…. Kinda like Donald Trump! (zing!)

So as it turns out, I got really lucky. Super lucky actually. On Friday the doctors released me from the hospital with a two week supply of antibiotic pills, and some sweet hospital socks (you know, the tube ones with tred marks?). I was in the extremely rare 10% of breast cancer patients who overcame a breast infection without having to remove the implant. Thank you God. Seriously, thank you thank you thank you thank youuuuuuuu! NOOOOooooo UNIBOOB!

My plastic surgeon canceled my surgery because he said he wants to wait two more months to make sure I’m “out of the weeds” after the infection. I’m totally okay with that. Because of the infection, I’ve been super boring lately. Wanna know what I did last weekend? I sat on my couch, ordered Chinese food, made bracelets, and watched reruns of Sons of Anarchy. I’ve only drank alcohol one time in the past 5 weeks. WHO AM I? I am trapped in the body of an 82 year-old woman who enjoys tea and crafts in her recliner on a Saturday night. I rock.

I feel perfectly fine now. It’s been a month since my hospital stay, and my infection seems to be clear. SO that’s what I’ve been up to lately. I’ll update my blog when my next disaster strikes! I kid, but seriously… universe… please give me a break (insert middle finger emoji).


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